


Orthonym

by ThoughtsCascade



Category: Leverage
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Happy TDOV everyone!!!!, Introspection, POV Second Person, Post-Season/Series 02, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23419207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThoughtsCascade/pseuds/ThoughtsCascade
Summary: Orthonym (n.)- The proper, true, or otherwise 'real' name of a person or a thing. (As opposed to a pseudonym or heteronym)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37





	Orthonym

Your team had been quite upset at you for lying, way back when, about the Davids. And they’d forgiven you, but had been very clear about not wanting you to con them again. Okay, fair enough.

But you didn’t consider it a con, exactly. To tell them that your ‘real’ name was Lara. 

Actually, at this point, you were fairly certain Sophie Devereaux was the realest name you’d ever given yourself.

But you’d… well. You’d decided to give them a secret. In hopes of distracting them, prevent them from fleeing and scattering once more. And ‘Lara’ had been the one you’d chosen.

Lara has never been a name you actually used. No one ever called you that. It wasn’t connected to any IDs, they could search every Lara in the _world_ and not find you. It was just how you’d known yourself as a child. Back when you’d really had a name that was too wrong. 

Back when you’d been a little boy, the essence of what people said you were cutting like a knife any time someone said it out loud.

The one role you’re certain you wouldn’t be able to play even now.

A male.

You’re glad, somehow. That you’d never actually used Lara. It felt… untainted. You aren’t ashamed of what you do. But you’re glad that it isn’t a name you’ve ever been forced to abandon, like Jenny, like Katherine, like Annie. Lara… Lara was who you were. Back when you knew that.

Well, not really. Having a ‘ _secret_ girl’s name’ was indication enough that you somehow didn’t _realize_ …

You’d excelled at self delusion even then. But it had been before you’d realized how lost you were. Before you’d scooped everything out and hollowed yourself out inside in order to leave room for everything people wanted you to be.

Lara was a name for keeping. And it may not have been your ‘real’ name, but it was the first name you’d chosen for yourself. The first out of hundreds, maybe even thousands. And that had meaning too, you know. It had been your first step into becoming yourself.

The first of many, many steps.

And yes. You’d gotten lost along the way. And there had been times where being someone else was more fun- times when you didn’t always quite know who you were being, except that it definitely wasn’t yourself.

But that was okay. No one ever said the journey to finding oneself was easy.

And really, you’d started at a disadvantage, it’d taken you fourteen years to even fully understand and acknowledge your correct gender, after all.

So maybe you’d gotten to soul-searching later than most, only really settling into it after being comfortable with the team- with your family-, with Nate, with Sophie Devereaux in all her glory. Maybe it was okay, to not quite know who you were until your forties. 

Or maybe it wasn’t. But then, you’d never really cared too much about what was and wasn’t okay, from other people’s perspectives.

So, on one level, you were fairly certain that it counted as conning your team. But they didn’t need to know every detail of your life, right?

Still, you had to admit, you were… relieved, when Nate got back and they all went back to calling you Sophie. Which was a bit ridiculous, you’d make it a habit- nay, a _rule-_ to be comfortable with absolutely any female name.

So when had Sophie begun to feel like your home base, as the boys might say? When had it become the default?

(When had you become so desperate to keep the team together that you dropped a legitimate secret to gain their trust?

Did that count as grifting them, when you’d known a show of trust would make them stay?)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this up... maybe back in August? And decided to post it for Trans Day of Visibility. I figure it probably won't get much attention, but if you got this far I hope that means you enjoyed it <3


End file.
